


Me Without You

by malecfeels



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Domestic Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 19:56:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11066031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malecfeels/pseuds/malecfeels
Summary: Alec knew he was going to die one day. He was a mortal and Magnus was not.Litlle did he know, Magnus had a plan of his own to cope with Alec's death.And Alec Does Not Like ItLight warnings for suicide themes. But nothing graphic.SEQUEL IS NOW UP: Broken Promises and Mended Hearts





	Me Without You

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys. I have no idea how this story came to be. I have had this idea for a while now. But I didnt think it would turn out in a story like this. It was supposed to be a cute fluffy domestic Malec story but it just got out of hand and turned into a angsty painful one. *sighs*  
> Still I hope you enjoy it!  
> I mean we all need a little bit angst right? Right? RIGHT?

Alec turned the key in the door and opened the door to Magnus’s loft. He entered the dark living room and closed the door behind him.

“Magnus. I am home.” He called out as he put the little gold key in his pants pocket.

 _Home_ , Alec thought with a warm feeling. It hadn’t taken a lot of time after they got together, for Alec to feel like home at Magnus’s place. He had lived at the Institute for his whole life but it had never been home to him. His place was with Magnus.

“In here!” Magnus’s voiced rang out from the kitchen down the hall. Alec removed his jacket and weapons and put them over the table in the corner. He walked down the hall and entered the huge kitchen.

Magnus was standing at the counter, tasting something from a spoon. The black marble top counter was littered with bowls and other cutlery. A sweet fragrance was wafting around and immediately Alec felt his stomach rumble.

“Wow. You are cooking. Am I forgetting some anniversary thing today?”  Alec said as he walked towards Magnus.

Magnus rolled his eyes, “Funny. Can’t I do something nice for my very brave shadowhunter?” He leaned towards Alec and kissed him slowly.

Even after two years and a billion kisses, Alec still felt a thrill shoot through him whenever they kissed. He hummed in pleasure and moved his arms around Magnus’s waist to pull him closer. Magnus smelled like he always did. Honey and slight tang of the very expensive cologne he wore.

“Mmmm. You look like you are in good mood.” Magnus murmured against his lips.

Alec leaned back and smiled down at him, “I am always in a good mood when I am with you.”

“Ah. When did you turn into such a sappy romantic?”  
 Magnus said, his golden brown eyes twinkling with mirth.

Alec blushed, “I might have been in the company of Jace and Clary a lot. If you think this is sappy, then you should hear them when they get into it.”

“I can imagine. Not that I am complaining. Sappy romantic is a good look on you.”

“Yeah. Well, it’s only for you.” Alec said as he gave a quick kiss on his cheek. “I am going to take a quick shower. Then I’ll help with whatever fancy thing you got cooking there.”

“Take your time dear. It’s almost done. I might even finish in here and join you.” Magnus said with a wink.

After all this time, Alec still blushed scarlet at the suggestion and looked away from Magnus. As he stepped out, he said quickly,

“I would like that.”

Magnus’s quick laughter followed him out as he hastily made his way to the shower.

* * *

 

Alec came out of the shower (he was slightly disappointed when Magnus didn’t join him) and changed into something comfortable. He had his own space in Magnus’s huge closet for some of his clothes. He didn’t need much but since he had officially moved in a couple of months back, Magnus had insisted that he had his own space in the house.

Alec toweled his hair off and made his way out to the living room. The living room was set in a dark light and his heart thudded as he saw the little arrangement Magnus had made. Candles flickered on the table and some were also arranged around the table, the shadows dancing in the light. Soft music was playing from the jukebox in the corner. It was a soothing melody.

Alec heart warmed as he took it all in. He cherished moments like this, where all that was, was him and Magnus.

He turned around at the approaching footsteps and smiled at Magnus who was holding a tray in his hands.

“Hey. You didn’t wait for me.” Magnus said as he placed the tray in the middle of the table and looked at him.

“You took long enough.” Alec said. He gestured at the table, “What is all this? Are you sure I am not forgetting some important date?”

“No darling. I was just in the mood. We haven’t had a quite dinner for a while. Is it too much?” Magnus said looking at him wearily.

Alec shook his head fondly, only Magnus would be worried about such a thing. “It’s perfect.” He took his hand and kissed his knuckles. He gazed at Magnus who smiled happily. “You know I love you, right?”

“You might have mentioned it sometime.” Magnus said mischievously but his eyes shone with affection and love.

“You should have told me you were planning a fancy dinner. I am in my sweats.” Alec complained.

“You look gorgeous to me.” Magnus said. Magnus himself was wearing black pants and a plain dark red t-shirt. He had surprisingly less make up on but he still looked magnificent.

“It is your duty as my boyfriend to compliment on my looks. So I am not buying that.” Alec said rolling his eyes.

Magnus laughed, “Ah Alexander. From the bottom of my heart though, you are the sweetest person on this planet.”

“Alright alright. I get it. You love me too. Can we start eating? This smells incredible and I am so hungry right now.” Alec said turning to the chair.

Magnus gestured, “By all means.”

They sat down in front of each other and started eating. Alec almost moaned out loud as he took the first bite of dish he couldn’t remember the name of. But his face must have betrayed his pleasure because he heard Magnus say with a smirk,

“Good?”

“So good. Where did you even learn this?” Alec asked as he scooped up the next bite.

“Sometime around the last century I think. I was traipsing through Spain when I came across this little hotel tucked in a corner. It wasn’t that big, but it was so beautiful. The head chef made this on the first day. I, uh, was going through some difficult times. It was like a little recluse from the world. She taught me all these dishes. I don’t remember her or much of what she taught me, but this was the first dish she taught me. I didn’t forget.” Magnus said his gaze faraway as he tried to picture the little hotel and the chef, but the memory wasn’t there anymore.

Alec felt his heart clench as he saw immense sadness bleed in Magnus’s eyes. He grabbed his hand on the table and squeezed it gently.

“Hey.” He whispered as Magnus caught his gaze, “You okay?”

Magnus blinked his eyes and squeezed his hand back and said lightly, “Yes. Of course. Forgive me. I didn’t mean to get emotional.” 

Alec shook his head, “Don’t apologize. I am happy you shared it with me. Sounds like a happy time of your life.”

Magnus nodded, “It was. One of the greatest.”

“Why don’t you tell me more?” Alec said as he picked up his spoon and resumed eating.

“Well, the happiest and the greatest and the perfect time of my life are right now. With you.” Magnus said smiling.

Alec blushed as his heart thudded more wildly. “Now, whose being a sappy romantic?” he muttered.

“Oh I have every right to be.” Magnus said cheekily.

Alec sighed, “That is unfortunately right. But come on, tell me more of these places you have been to.” He said taking another bite, gazing steadily at Magnus.

“Okay. You have to listen to the time when Ragnor and I crashed the Seelie Queen’s coronation ceremony.”

Alec settled comfortably as Magnus recited stories of his past life. In the beginning he had been reluctant to know anything about Magnus’s life because of his insecurity in the relationship. But over the time, he had come to enjoy and crave to know more about him and what made him who he was.

It didn’t bother Alec anymore about Magnus’s past lovers as it had in the initial stages of their relationship. They were an important part of Magnus’s life and he respected that. And he knew that among all the various lovers, Alec held a very place in Magnus’s heart. Just like Alec did.

* * *

 

After they finished their dinner, Alec cleaned up the table despite Magnus’s insistence that he could very well do it with magic.

“Why don’t you go ahead and get ready for bed? Let me at least clean up a little bit.” Alec said as he carried the dirty dishes to the kitchen.

“Alright. Don’t do the dishes. We can get to it tomorrow.” Magnus said.

“Meaning you will flick your hands and get it done.”

“Of course.” Magnus said winking.

“You should actually try doing them sometimes.” Alec said from the kitchen.

“With all the soap and dirt?” Magnus shuddered. “No thank you. After all the cooking today, my hands need a round of cream conditioning anyway. I had rather not destroy them in one day.”

“You are hopeless.”

“A hopeless warlock who loves you.” Magnus corrected.

“Fine. I’ll finish up here in a minute. Don’t nod off without me. You hog all the covers.”

“I most certainly don’t!” Magnus said hauntingly.

“Every time Magnus. I have a picture if you don’t believe me.” Alec said smirking from the kitchen door.

“You still have that dreadful thing? I will have to leave the country possibly the entire continent if anyone see’s that. It’s that horrid.” Magnus said with a serious face.

“You will survive, drama queen.”

“You did not just call-“Magnus said with wide eyes.

“I did. And you are. Now go away. Let me finish up in here.”

“For that, I am hogging all the covers, Alexander.” Magnus said before turning back towards the bedroom.

Alec laughed lightly and walked back into the kitchen. Yep, he was definitely snuggling with Magnus tonight.

* * *

 

As promised, Magnus had hogged all the covers not letting anything remain for the shadowhunter. But Alec wasn’t complaining. Because he was lying almost on top of Magnus, his arms wound tight around his waist and head pressed against his back. Alec sighed feeling happy and relaxed.

“You are too smart for your own good.” Magnus grumbled from beneath him.

“Are you complaining? Cause I can just move away.” Alec said as he started to lift his head up.

“Don’t you dare.” Magnus said as he tightened the grip he had on Alec’s hand.

Alec smiled and settled back. He breathed in the fresh honey smell of Magnus’s and said slowly,

“Thank you for today. I haven’t been this relaxed and content for a while. I needed it.”

“It’s my pleasure. We have all been strung a little tight. We can’t let our jobs suck the life out of us.”

“I know. It’s just that I haven’t ever known anything besides doing my job and training and protecting my family. I just never thought that there could be more. Not until you came along.” Alec confessed.

“Oh my darling Alexander.” Magnus murmured as he turned on his back and gazed silently at him.

“Thank you for that. I have never said that before. Thank you for showing me that there is more to life and this world than just what I have been in.” Alec said resting his head on Magnus’s chest and gripping his hand.

“Thank you for allowing me. I can think of no better way that my life would have turned into if I hadn’t met you.” Magnus said as he kissed on the top of his head.

Alec shifted a little before settling down on a comfortable position and said hesitantly,

“I ,uh, I had something else to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“During dinner when you were talking about the hotel in Spain and the chef.” Alec said slowly. He felt Magnus stiffen under him.

“Alexander.” Magnus started but Alec cut him off

“Hear me out. It’s not what you think.” Alec took a breath and continued, “I realized something. I kinda knew it all along but I never really thought about it.”

“What are you trying to say?” Magnus asked a hint of caution in his voice.

“You have known so many people. And so many places. Some important, some just a glimpse. But no matter how important, or special they are to you, you forget about them, don’t you? You don’t want to but you can’t help it. It’s inevitable.” Alec said softly, his grip on Magnus’s hand tightening as he spoke.

“Alexander. Please. Don’t. What are you trying to say?” Alec felt his heart clench at the immense sadness he heard in Magnus’s voice. He hastily lifted his head and looked at Magnus who had his eyes clenched shut.

“Magnus. No. It’s not like that.” Alec lightly kissed his nose and continued, “I am doing this all wrong. Look at me.”

Magnus slowly opened his eyes and his cat eyes stared back at him. The glamour was down and Alec could see the yellow orbs flickering in the dark pits of Magnus’s eyes. Alec’s heart thudded as it always did when Magnus’s showed his warlock mark. Alec loved his eyes in its true form.

“The voice goes first.” Magnus said not looking at Alec but somewhere faraway. His voice was steady, but Alec could hear the undercurrent of grief and sadness in it. He wanted to chase it away but Magnus continued,

“I stop remembering the sound of their voice. When they talk, or sing or laugh. I can still picture the face and the smile but the voice is gone.”

“Magnus..” Alec whispered

“And then the face slowly starts to fade too. The shape of the lips, the color of the eyes..”

“Magnus stop. Please.” Alec whispered as he saw a lone tear silently drip down from the corner of Magnus’s eye.

“It all fades away. I can’t hear the laughter, or feel the soft touch or see the beautiful face. It just goes away.” Magnus finished with a whisper. He finally turned his gaze to Alec and looked at him.

Alec had his own tears streaming down his face as he held Magnus’s gaze. He bent down till their foreheads touched lightly and said,

“I am so sorry. I have been so selfish. All this time, all I could think about how unfair it was for me to be a mortal an-and you get to live after me.” Alec leaned back and looked at Magnus, “I never thought how hard this life has been for you. I _can’t_ imagine the pain you go through. I am so sorry, Magnus.”

Alec ran his fingers through Magnus’s soft hair and smiled,

“You are so strong. You have no idea.”

Magnus closed his eyes and sighed,

“Alexander” He whispered, “As always, you have struck me speechless. Never in all this years, has anyone said that to me. Felt like that about me. Only you.”

Magnus smiled and continued, “And you don’t have to apologize. It’s not your fault. You being here, in my life right now, it’s the greatest gift anyone could give me. There is no sadness here. Nor any regrets.”

Alec didn’t know what came over him when he heard those words but it was like a wall collapsed and he felt his heart clench painfully. He tightened his grip on Magnus’s shirt and bowed his head down to get a grip on his feelings which were threatening to overcome him.

He felt Magnus’s hand close around his and heard him say with concern,

“Alec? What happened? Did I say something wrong?”

Alec shook his head and took a big breath.

“No. No Magnus. It’s just that, It..I..” Alec stuttered.

 He felt a hand tug his chin up. His eyes met Magnus’s.

“Hey. Look at me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“You love me so much.” Alec said.

“I do.” Magnus said without missing a beat.

“I wish you didn’t.” Alec whispered and he saw Magnus’s face fall.

“Alec.” He started but Alec continued,

“Because I can’t even think about what you would go through when I die. Which I will. One day. What will you do then, Magnus?”

Alec watched as Magnus abruptly left his clenched hands and fell back on the bed. He looked away and said in a hard voice,

“I am not going to forget you, Alexander. Never.”

Alec frowned and said, “You can’t make promises like that. I am sorry to bring this up like that. But I just..I…I can’t see you hurt. I don’t know what to do.” Alec said with a hint of frustration.

“You _are_ helping me. Every minute of every day.”

“How am I supposed to help when I am not here anymore? When you start forgetting me? After decades and centuries?”

“I am not going to forget you! I told you!” Magnus said gritting his teeth.

“Stop denying the inevitable truth, Magnus. That day is going to come.” Alec said harshly. Somewhere inside him a voice was telling him that he was pushing Magnus too far. But there was something in Magnus’s eyes that he couldn’t recognize. Something that Magnus was not telling him. “You can’t keep believing that it won’t happen!”

“Because it _won’t!_ I am not going to forget you because there _isn’t_ going to be a time where you will be dead and I will be alive!” Magnus shouted.

Alec froze. He turned the words back in his head to make sure he hadn’t misheard him.

 _There isn’t going to be time where you will be dead and I will alive_.

He gazed down at Magnus who had turned pale and wasn’t looking at him. There had been very few times in the past two years that Magnus had looked so tired and beaten down. Carrying the burden of 800 years of life.

“What did you say?” Alec whispered.

“Alec. Just forget what I said. It didn’t mean anything.” Magnus said still avoiding his gaze.

“Look at me, Magnus.” Alec said firmly.

“Please Alec.” Magnus said closing his eyes.

“ _Look at me_.”

Alec almost lost his focus when those cat eyes without the glamour down looked at him with immense pain and sadness. But he shrugged it away. He had to be firm. He couldn’t break down. Not now.

“What do you mean that you won’t be _alive_ after I die?” Alec said slowly, “And I want the truth.”

“You don’t want to know this Alec. Please. I am begging you.” Magnus pleaded.

Alec clenched his fist to stop himself from losing his composure. Magnus never begged. Not like this. And that scared Alec more than anything.

“Believe me, I want to know.”

Magnus sighed. He shifted up and sat up on the bed, leaning against the headboard. Away from Alec.

“I love you Alec. So much more than I thought I could ever love anyone. All through my life, I have met people, fallen in love with them, lost them, their memories, everything. “ Magnus looked at him and Alec his heart raced at the fire brimming in his eyes. “But _nothing_ will compare to what I’ll feel when I will lose you. When I will have to live every day without you. Call out your name and not have you answer back. Not see your smile or hear you laugh. It will destroy me, Alexander. It will end me.”

Alec felt a tear slip down his face as the words sank. He felt numb and at the same time felt like he was going to burst.

“You will move on. Time will heal you. You will have someone to get you through it.” Alec whispered.

Magnus laughed dryly. “No. I won’t. I will never get past it. There is not going to be anyone to help me get past it.”

“Then what are you going to _do?_ ” Alec was pretty sure he already knew the answer but he wanted to hear it from Magnus.

“I’ll join you.” Magnus said simply.

Alec was pretty sure this was some kind of a dream. Because what he was hearing was so surreal that there was no chance it was real. This was not happening. Magnus Bane, the freaking High Warlock of Brooklyn, the most colorful and joyful man he has ever met in his life could not be sitting in front of him talking about _ending_ _his life_. He could not. He can’t-

“You are crazy!” Alec burst out as he stumbled out of the bed and stood up. His head was spinning but he glared at the warlock sitting silently on the bed. “Have you lost your fucking mind?”

Something flashed in Magnus’s eyes but it was gone before he could recognize it. Alec knew somewhere in his mind that Magnus won’t appreciate the tone and his words but he was too far gone to care. The only thing that kept repeating itself to him where his words.

“Wait. I know. You are joking, right?” Alec said hastily. “This is all some elaborate prank of yours?

“I won’t joke about this, Alec.” Magnus said tightly.

“Then what the hell is wrong with you? Do you even hear yourself? You are talking about _killing_ …yourself..” Alec said through clenched teeth. It hurt to even admit it out loud. It made it more real and Alec didn’t know how to deal with it.

“Alexander, you need to listen to me. Please.” Magnus said in a pleading tone. “It’s not as bad as you think it is.”

Alec laughed humorlessly. “Oh this gets better. I can’t believe it.”

“Please Alec.” Magnus said. “Listen to-“

“ _No._ ” Alec cut him off sharply, his eyes hard and cold. “You listen to me. I don’t know how this happened or how the thought even entered your mind but you are going to forget all about it. You are not going to _think_ about it, you are not going to _do_ anything after I am dead except grieve and then move on! Do you understand me?”

Painful silence reigned after his outburst and he let out a heavy breath. Alec looked at Magnus who had gone unnaturally still. Alec pushed a hand through his hair in frustration as he thought about how the night had gone from amazing to crappy in seconds.

“No. I am not going to do that.” Magnus said quietly.

“What do you mean?” Alec said in the same quiet tone.

“I have made my decision and nothing is going to change that.” Magnus said.

Alec sat down heavily on the bed, his strength draining. He was so awfully tired. “You can’t-“

Magnus held up his hand to cut off his words. He looked up at Alec and his cat eyes shone with the familiar calmness he had always associated with Magnus. “You need to listen to me.”

Alec merely sighed. His heart was still beating wildly and the words wouldn’t stop echoing in his head but he nodded nonetheless.

“I know this is hurting you. I am sorry about that. I never wanted you to know about this and not because I wanted to hide it from you. But because you won’t understand. Again, I am not trying to insult your emotions here but you won’t understand why I have to do this.”

“Why do you have to do this?” Alec whispered.

“I am an 800 year old warlock, Alec. I have literally lived for centuries. At times it seems like I have been here forever. You can’t live for so many years and not feel its burden on you.” Magnus said with a sigh. “And I may not have had the perfect life but it has been one of the best. It’s not that I don’t love my life. I want to live. I want live my life, however much I get, with you.”

“I have had many losses and pain over the centuries. And it has been hard and unbearable. But I have _always_ stood back up and moved on. And I always would. I will move on from you, Alexander. It would be the hardest and the most painful thing I would ever go through but I will.” Magnus said slowly. “But the thing is, I _don’t_ want to. I don’t want to continue my life without you. I don’t want to forget you. And I don’t want to find someone else who makes me as happy as you do.”

Magnus slowly moved his hand and covered Alec’s clenched one’s on the bed. His face softened and his eyes shone with unshed tears. “Every warlock has an endpoint. This would be mine. And I would gladly meet it because I will have no regrets. Only happy memories.” Magnus ended with a whisper.

Alec swallowed harshly as he realized his face was covered in fresh tears. He gripped Magnus’s hand which was in his and squeezed tightly.

“I still can’t believe. It feels like a bad dream.” He said sniffing.

“I am sorry.”

“When did you even think about this?” Alec said roughly.

“I have been thinking about it for a century now. After what happened with Camille…I was just tired. I didn’t think anything would ever bring me happiness or peace. Until you came along.”

“You would have do-done it? If I hadn’t come along?”

“I don’t know. But I think so.” Magnus squeezed his hand. “You gave me a reason to live, Alexander. You are why I am here.”

“But you won’t be here after I die.” Alec said looking up at him.

“I told you, I’ll be with you.” Magnus said softly.

Alec let out a breath and tugged at Magnus’s hand which was in his. Magnus came easily and Alec fell forward in his embrace with a harsh breath. He felt Magnus’s arms come around him and hold him tightly. His head rested snugly on his chest right under his cheek. He could hear his steady heartbeat which always calmed him. Alec closed his eyes and let himself be surrounded by Magnus’s scent. He had realized early in their relationship that this was one of the rare things that calmed him and made him feel as peaceful as he was now.

“I don’t like it.” He murmured with his eyes close.

“I know you don’t. You won’t ever come to peace with it.” Magnus whispered from above him.

“No. I won’t.”

“I am sorry, darling.”

“Please, will you think about it again?”

“It won’t change my mind.” Alec felt a light kiss on his head.

“Damn you, Magnus.” Alec said shuddering. The arms tightened around him.

“Shh. Don’t think about it. I am here now and I am not going anywhere. Just let me take care of you.”

“I am so tired.”

“I know. We have a lot of time to talk about it afterwards. Just rest for now. I am here.”

“I am not going to stop convincing you that this is a bad idea.” Alec said and he felt Magnus’s sigh above him.

“I know that too.”

“I love you so much, Magnus” Alec murmured clenching hand around his shirt.

“I love you too, Alexander.” Magnus said softly. He pressed another kiss on his head.

They slept like that, entwined in each other with their hearts heavy with sadness and love. Something had forever changed in their relationship and it was never going to be the same. It was going to follow them in every phase of their lives together.

The only thing they had was each other and the strong bond of love between them. It would give them strength to find happiness even in the darkest moments of their life. It was all they needed.

* * *

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Ummmmmmmmmm  
> Was the ending a bit weird? I just didnt know where to go from there and my head was exploding. I might add some more if you think its abrupt and weird. Do tell me.  
> Alsoooo how was the idea? I wasnt sure about it and I haven't read any stories even remotely close to it. So tell me!
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I was thinking of writing a second part set years later when they adopt Max and Alec tells Magnus that he now has a reason to live after him because of their son blah blah. Its nothing concrete but I would work on it more. Sound good?


End file.
